*____I just want to be happy___

Monday, January 31, 2011

Haa.. My 18th birthday is coming in 2 days..
I didn't really feel anything about it until today when my best friend gave me a surprise birthday present. It's really nice to receive presents. It makes me feel special. The present consists of sweets and chocolate but those aren't the highlights. Among those gifts in the bag, I love the simple note from my friend best. She never fails to amuse me with her creativity. And I feel so comforted when I know that we both treasure this relationship and the memories we shared in the past years. The coincidental same NTU H3 course choice adds a unique concoction of nostalgia and novelty to our friendship, it is like old relationship with new spices... maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder.. maybe that's how our friendship managed to last so long.

I do not make a lot of friends but the friendship that I managed to forge last. I am grateful of that.. It is a pity some of my friends forget me but I know there will always be people who care.. when there are great friends by my side no matter my day is sunny or gloomy, I will always end up feeling great. It sometimes seems like I am receiving a lot from my friends, I wonder if I actually manage to make their days as bright and happy.

It would be great if the world is filled with happiness and everyone is joyful.. isn't it?
I guess I am pretty easily contented and I hope life stays great the way it is..
Let's spread the happiness...

singing to the wind[9:20 pm]

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

"I am a creep.. I am a weirdo... "
Lyrics from creep by radiohead.. a pretty classic song
The song is emotional and expressive
It makes me feel that repressive nature of social norms on individuals that are unique in their own right
Sometimes I feel this way
sometimes I feel that I am forced to conform
by the point of view of people around
I get confused
I wish to be myself, someone real
and be loved for being me
But I know I am not a very likeable person
If I be myself, will people still remember me?
Is there are need to grab the attention of people to let them know of my existence.
I don't know.

All I know is that I must fight for what I want and work hard.
While I wish to work at my own pace and do what I like, I understand that there is responsibility to fulfil.
I shall not be complacent.
I shall improve on my perseverance and courage in face of adversity and lost.
Jiayou
I know my lack of capacity and strength but I hope I can do it!

singing to the wind[10:52 am]

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ahhh my internet hates me ><
Why must it crash EVERYTIME I connect to it!
And my sister can use it perfectly alright
I cannot survive on mobile internet for long
considering I dun have access to it all the time

ahhh
Work
Stress and insanity sets in
hmm actually there isnt THAT much work
dunnoe why I feel so crazy in school today
hmm
shall maintain my sanity somehow

hmm
do things at my own pace
breathe

hmm
It's so dark
must be raining soon
heehee so cool
okies time for dinner
byes ^^

singing to the wind[7:12 pm]

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Sunday, January 23, 2011

I have come to realise that I don't take negative remarks very well. I tend to be somewhat defensive about the things I did although they may be wrong. I am not a perfect person.. I did many things that are wrong and may have crossed the acceptable boundary sometimes. I guess when I am alone, I do try to reflect on them and maybe try to change a little. I thought I did change, for the better hopefully but today when my internet crashed I realised I still dun cannot accept the mistakes I made and admit them. I suppose inside me there is this protected self-esteem that I do not want people to trample on it. Maybe because I often feel inferior and insignificant that I get so defensive over my work. I need to change that seriously. I need to learn to take things in stride and accept my mistakes and have the courage to acknowledge them.

I need to change if not I will offend the judges for my future oral defence if I pursue further studies =)

It's interesting to look at how infatuated I was a moment earlier and how I can rationalise and take control of my thoughts again.
Hahh of course there is no need to be rational all the time.
I will balance between letting my hair down and being serious.
I guess I am finding that much-needed balance. =D

singing to the wind[11:44 pm]

There were a few things I wanted to post about this week but I try not to because I am a little busy. Ok la I am still slacking though. But as I am watching 超级星光大道, I heard a guy sing.. OMG I feel that really need to post. His voice is extraodinary... powerful and emotional... I feel like I am going crazy.. no I must contain myself.. I must breathe... I shall not go crazy over a random guy in a singing competition. breathe in.. breathe out.. the show is not over yet... ^^ I shall calm down and enjoy the rest of the show.

haaa....

I am a normal girl. I hope no one will roll their eyes when they read this post. =)

But I shall be rational.
I shall remain sane..
I need to complete my tutorials and HBL..
shall need some balance ... :)
hahh Jiayou
Calm down.. and clear my mind.

singing to the wind[10:20 pm]

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sometimes I feel forgotten and neglected ...
Sometimes I just poofed out of existence somehow
I guess I should accept it
and learn to stay happy despite any disappointments
I have seen too many disappointments to be truly sad by the things I see
Sometimes I just don't leave an impact on somebody's heart
I feel like some fleeting acquaintances that we fade sooner than later

I know I do not do much
I keep to myself sometimes
Maybe that's how I get forgotten
I am never really a good enough friend to be remembered
I suppose
I am trying to be more friendly
but maybe I am anti social in nature

I feel possessive sometimes
maybe I am
I value loyalty
I cherish friendships that are true and deep
but I am not someone with initiative
I seem nonchalant but that is not because I don't care

Somehow I just want to be a friend and be treated like a friend

I don't mean this post to anyone
no one in fact
I guess I am trying to tell myself
I am how I am
It's ok if people may forget me sometimes
But I shall not be affected
I don't need people to know how I feel
I just need some place to ramble
and think through
and get back to being happy after a while

singing to the wind[10:11 pm]

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Monday, January 17, 2011

NTU H3 chem hmm relatively fine I suppose...
I saw my primary school best friends ^^
we walked to the bus stop together after the lesson

hmm
I am quite free I supposed recently..
So I went to do the character strength test
in the end diligence and hardworkingness ended up ranking 22 out of 24
I told you I am not hardworking
oh wells
I lack social intelligence, enthusiasm, courage and leadership as well i guess
I am better at appreciative of the things around, creativity and prudence? alittle weird I actually think the 6,7,8 strengths are closer.. (curiosity, gratitude and hope)
Oh wells, its fun to do such random stuff once in a while
okies I shall go and bath soon
It's so cold today
so fun
I like =D
I hope the cool weather continue
shall not worry too much unnecessarily
hope to have a good night sleep tonight =D

singing to the wind[9:49 pm]

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

I was taking the bus home earlier today.. I was just wondering that if I overshoot the bus stop I'll have to walk all the way back. Then I thought if I decided to take the bus from the other direct which cost 0 cents, I'll have to wait for the bus to come. I was just thinking about the inefficiencies of public transport.. then I ended up daydreaming about the world without roads and cars.. instead with conveyor belts... And I ended up almost really overshooting my bus stop. >< luckily I woke up before the bus left for the next stop.

I day dream..
hmm
so fun
I like to daydream ...
I shall enjoy today's slow progress of things before tomorrow's hectic day..
got to squeeze time to meet teacher to settle CCA accounts between the short breaks
and PE
BIO TEST CHEM QUIZ and GP ESSAY TEST

ahh MC is a good idea but ..haiz
never mind
I shall just jiayou tmr

singing to the wind[3:50 pm]

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's day 2 of school and I am beginning to feel the weight of stress and work. Ahh tired. I have undone tutorials waiting to be gone through, various things to attend to, and 3 tests on Friday which I have not started a least bit preparing. JC life is not going to be easy.. I shall learn to cope with it. Maybe things will magically fall into place when time comes.

During math lesson today, I wasn't very happy because of certain things. I know it's not their fault .. Sometimes some people like to share their stuff, their problems and everything else with everyone within hearing distance. I know I can't blame anyone for that.. cos different people have different ways of dealing with things. But everyone has problems and busy schedules.. sometimes it just gets on my nerves.. But they are still nice people normally.. I shall learn to be more accommodating.

I need a balance to retain my sanity for the rest of year.. balance between relaxing and mugging. I guess I am not a pro mugger by nature...

singing to the wind[5:24 pm]

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Sunday, January 09, 2011

My dad is organising a Chinese new year eve gathering-party thing for me. Frankly speaking, I don't enjoy being with so many people in my house. Hmm but I should appreciate my dad's good intentions. I don't know who to invite. Well people have reunion dinner on that day.. and I don't think people will be willing to come. Well I am not a very good host.. I am not good at entertaining people .. I guess that's why I seldom invite people to my house.

I do hope I have true friends out there who I can rely on. I don't think I will draw out a a guest list.. Cos I know it's not very nice when u realise u don't get invited to some party. So anyone who are interested are welcomed =D
______________________________

hmm I wonder why I can't resist temptations
my eyes are still attracted to the TV and com
when sch starts tmr with a math test.
oh wells
I frankly haven't start my bio revision
I wonder how things will turn out
with my laziness

I always wonder if I seem hardworking to my friends
I hope they understand me well enough to know what's my ans
everybody have their own fair share of temptations to deal with
but it seems like some of my friends are more disciplined...
oh wells I shall attempt to do something abt it

For a start I shall attempt math and bio revision with the remaining hours of the day
______________________

I was just looking at myself in the mirror
and wondering if vanity is a characteristic everyone has
I guess most people adore compliments so do I
maybe the more saint-like people
are capable of discerning the truth from the lies

I was just reading my friends' blog
everyone has their darker parts that we are uncomfortable of revealing
perhaps we understand those are dark things
that shouldn't be exposed to outsiders' scrutiny
I guess we can only deal with the shadowy thoughts on our own.. or maybe we people we trust
the private things we choose to bury inside our hearts..
I don't know
there is more to everyone of course
not just the superficial layer we perceive
as we acquire each other's trust
bit by bit we are invited to entire a different realm we previously imagined
I am blabbering rubbish
ahh never mind

I wonder about alot of stuff
random and lame
I call myself whimsical
my sister calls me eccentric
who do u think I am?

singing to the wind[3:15 pm]

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Saturday, January 08, 2011

freedom and hope

Looking out my window..
it's raining again
The soft droplets creates a misty feeling
as my sister hums a sweet tune
I am here blogging

I don't really have much to say
and I am here wasting my time
I know what lies ahead
maybe I am just escaping from reality here
in my little sanctuary

I think my previous posts are a little odd
sometimes my posts are intended for people to know what I feel
sometimes it is just an outlet of me to ramble random stuff
what I feel at the moment
I know not alot of people read them and take them seriously
but it doesn't really matter
I guess I am feeling kind of Zen state now
no worries
no stress
despite homeworks and tests and commitments looming ahead
I guess this is the last time that I'll feel truly free
I'll have to cherish it
but the truth is I haven't prepare for school at all
I didn't do anything much this week because I want to really enjoy a decent break before school reopens
well I'll have to face the consequences
oh wells I hope everything will be alright
It's ok that I haven't have any inertia to work
I guess the momentum will build up soon
well the only trade off is I'll start the year slower than the rest of my friends
but I guess it's ok
hopefully I'll catch up

This morning I didn't feel like doing much
I went to read my friends' blog
I realise many people are deep thinkers

I guess we are very much going through the same things
Sometimes we feel down and we get up again
I guess this is how things work
I dunnoe why some people have bad feelings about our class
I think it's fine
we just have to give and take sometimes
I remember a line from a book by Dean Koontz
If u put three people together we will all have psychological problems
I guess it's normal that people have conflicts
we just have be more understanding and not take it to heart
well let's hope the new year will be great
and I hope I will have a great time studying and making my J2 life fulfilling in S7B

singing to the wind[11:40 am]

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Thursday, January 06, 2011

I like to stone and stare into space. Even when I am very tired, I think about many things before I sleep. I think it's not good. I end up with insomnia. I hope I can sleep well tonight.

I like to stone because I think there is a need to slow things down.. and appreciate the little bits of life before chasing the material aspects of life blindly and at the end.. the material thingys may not mean anything anymore and there lies regret. I would want to achieve material things in life.. I am not a saint of course.. but I want to be sure that if I cannot get what I wanted.. I didn't waste my life chasing them .. at least I enjoyed the process.. the journey I took.. whether it is a detour or anything.

I sincerely enjoyed the things without work bothering me.. the times I spend sitting in the yard.. looking at the sky and the pond. The times I spend with my dog.. enjoying each other's silent accompany. 有时无声胜有声

I guess I'll need a balance of both type of life.. the normal routine one and the stress-free..whimsical and quiet one..

on a side note, I see that the mugging atmosphere is setting in on facebook.. beginning to sense peer pressure ><

Haiz.. how I wish.. holiday can stay on... relax life is great... hmm...

singing to the wind[11:47 pm]

I wanted to post this yesterday but I didn't get the chance to do so.
At around 4 yesterday, the sky was darkening fast. Lightning lit up the distant clouds in purple flashes and thunder rumbled from afar. There was this tingling sensation of excitement down my spine, as I cuddled on the sofa watching TV. I stared at the horizon, as the torrential downpour proceeds. It's a cool feeling. I feel safe in the comfort of my home. I guess security is very important in my life. I need to know whether what I do will lead me to where I want to go. I need reassurance. But there is no right or wrong in life. There isn't a thing called the perfect solution to life. Therefore, I began to rely on my heart to lead me on the road of life. Because there is more meaning to it. Life isnt about the end destination I suppose. It's about the journey, the way we choose to go. I want to enjoy and savour the small little bits of it so I will not regret that much. Of course, anyway is good as long as we chose it. It's not easy to make the right choices and there isnt really a right choice. I can only hope that what I do can lead me to a happy and meaningful life.

I guess that is why I love escapist literature. In there, there is always good triumphs over evil and happy endings. Where imagination rules and anything can happen, but eventually the protagonist will still be guided to his destiny.

I lead a routine based life, but sometimes I earn for the ability to take charge of my life and do the things I want and slack without feeling guilty.. without having to worry about homeworks etc.

I wonder if I am making sense throughout this whole post.
hmm
whimsical...
Gotta go out sooon.. byes

singing to the wind[10:23 am]

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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

BOREDOM!

I probably only had 10 days of decent holiday slacking at home, and now I am utterly bored. I know I should commence my mugging plans but there is this lack of will and momentum to get my engines running. I know I should or I must study since there are tests once school reopen but.. arh.. I lack self discipline..
It's kinda strange but true.. I seem to have lost the fire inside me for work and study.. I need to rekindle the flame

I thought I was very interested in neurology.. when I tried reading up on the brain I felt a little bored and gave up. I hope it's just the lack of motivation that is causing this. I need my passion back. I need my discipline back (hmm not that I actually had them before)

For a start maybe I should read a book. Hopefully, it'll create some inertia for forward action. I see people making mugging plans on facebook.. I should be guilty for being so lag in my schedule.. >< Jiayou I can do it!

singing to the wind[2:49 pm]

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Saturday, January 01, 2011

Haa... Hello 2011!

Hmm the new year is here. Maybe I should do some timely reflection over the past year.

2010 was ..
Hectic more hectic than 2009.
Well there were alot of new things..
For instance.. boys as classmate.
Hmm I learnt more about people through the year
How to understand when people get pissed
How to look under the superficial appearance of people
Some people are simpler while some are deeper
Well but one thing is we are good people
Although I cannot be sure
But that's what I see..

HwaChong is another new thing in 2010
life is much more competitive and less comforting
Lectures, tutorials and tests
One after the other
Not much break
Well I have to get used to it then
That's the only way

I love Nanyang that's for sure but
Do I love Hwachong?
I don't know yet
Hwachong brings reality to my face
Makes me feel that I can't afford to make a mistake
I guess I prefer to do stuff on my own pace
Bit by bit

Well then what's good about last year
I got alot more opportunities to experience many things I'ld never dreamt of
For instance visiting Cambridge
Research attachment at NUS
CCA Exco
SL project
Ah I almost forgot..
Struggling with 2 Olympiads
and Miraculously got into the 2nd round for Bio
That's a fulfilling year
Oh and managing to keep my grades afloat

I hope the good work can continue

Ahh Now for New year resolutions!

First I hope to be healthy and happy
I shall attempt to drink more water and exercise more often ( I guess this is the hardest)
I shall dance more often tooo ( for stress relief)

Second hmm I hope to work hard and Ace my A Lvls
I shall attempt to finish my holiday homework first and hopefully do some revision

Thirdly, broaden my horizon
By reading more broader perspectives.. maybe newspaper and scientific magazines
And slack less often on facebook etc

Fourthly, lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle
Attempts to be green and be a better and nicer and friendlier person on the whole

Fifthly, spend more time living quality life
with my family, my dog, my fishes etc.. looking at greenery.. going out for walks... gazing at the night sky
Hopefully I can learn recognise constellations other than Orion.

Lastly, Love life and Lead a Happy and Lucky life with my family and friends =D

singing to the wind[2:42 pm]

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