*____I just want to be happy___

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I am tired beyond description ...
I can't imagine how people can sleep at 2 every night and still have the energy to do work.
For the past week(s) I have been sleeping like 5h everyday and I can't last for long like this. I think I should just ignore my centad report, econs tutorial and my exco admin stuff. I feel like tumbling into bed immediately.

Anyway, today was a day filled with excitement, enrichment, wonder and DISBELIEF! I have never been a top scorer for anything! And I NEVER expect to get anything close. Oh My Goodness! I am really really lucky. I am seriously not as good as the NUSHS people in my room and I am really really shocked. My presentation was so screwed up and I said a few conceptually wrong answers during Q&A and the judges corrected my mistake... I am really thankful for everything. There are so many people I want to thank but didn't get the chance. I doubt they will read this but nonetheless I shall write it here. I want to thank the blue NUS guy for providing us with so much information during the exhibition, Ms Chen my Sec 4 biology teacher for teaching us all the extra stuff that proved useful today, the judges for correcting my mistakes, Ms Soh and my team mates! Thanks everybody ^^

haaaaaaaaaa....
This is so surreal...

singing to the wind[9:10 pm]

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Hahhh... I am really tired.. lack of sleep the entire week and I highly doubt I will be able to get back my 8h of sleep during the weekends since everything is so packed, so stressed. There are so many things to be done and yet so little time. I really wonder what will happen if I don't finish my centad report by the week.

Everything is so messy, hectic. I never felt so out of control of my life before despite how busy I was during certain times of the past years.

Ahh as I am typing this I am barely awake and I still have to mug for Biomed. I don't think I have a chance of getting since I really didn't read alot. I probably read like only a tenth or less of the given notes. And considering depreciation of content when the knowledge is transferred from my notes to my brain. The final output is gonna be really low. I most likely only retain knowledge of like 50% of what I read. Oh wells, I decided that I shall go tomorrow to enjoy the medical exposure and experience. Think it will be pretty cool. I shall not stress myself too much but I mustn't disgrace the school at the very least. I hope I won't sprout nonsense during presentation tomorrow. Ahh

Hmm Hope everything turns will.
I guess no matter how hard the going gets, I shall remain hopeful and optimistic. =D

singing to the wind[8:23 pm]

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's a long day... things didn't all turn out well but I guess we have to accept certain things in life as it is. Perfection don't usually show it's illusive self in everyday happenings. We can only sigh in resignation that this is life. Oh wells, but resignation does not entail submission, I shall try to make the best of out things. Anyway, I shall always believe that there are blessings in disguise.

I should keep this post short and get my priorities right. I realise I always only sense the urgency to do work before bedtime. hmm I should get something done today.. like the GP hw.. Jiayou!

singing to the wind[9:16 pm]

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Haiz, as I thought my mood is getting better, I realised how inadequate I am.

I was just reading my friends' blogs, which I should not be since Econs test is next Tues. I saw that all my friends are very busy with their many commitments and work and yet they still can catch up with tutorials and lectures. I realised I am so screwed in my time management and I still procrastinate and facebook and blog... My friends all seem to be making good progress in all the goals they are pursuing, be it IChO, IBO, CCA, H3, SSEF and many many more. And I look at myself... What do I have.. no nothing actually

I was listening to Leona Lewis's Run and Yesterday, hoping that the music could consume my mind and free myself from the troubles. But it is easier said than done.

I merely slack all my time away and ended up having immense difficulty completing my work and keeping up with the class. Gosh

Maybe my classmates are too exceptional in many ways and I am just .. not.

I guess instead of killing myself over such extreme comparison with people around, I shall just learn from them. I shall make good use of the little snippets of time I have and try out more things before JC is over in a flash... I shall start my little journey to a better me.

Next week my dad will be overseas, I'll have to wake up at 5 20 am to go to sch T.T Jiayou! I can do it!

singing to the wind[2:32 pm]

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Friday, February 18, 2011

I need to slow down, relax and achieve greater performance hopefully, cos the way I am going it seems like a slippery slope downwards. Love myself and work hard.

singing to the wind[6:46 pm]

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

I had a headache the entire afternoon...

I don't want to think too much already. Too tired of everything.
I feel that I am not putting my best effort in the things I do. Somewhat regressive...
I guess we are all perfectionists and when we fail to do what we expect ourselves to do, we feel that we are not putting in enough, or simply not good enough. Maybe we are putting too much pressure on ourselves. Maybe .. I am always wary about flying too high because I fear that the plunge is too hard to accept. Some people use the ball analogy, saying the higher you go, the harder you fall but you'll rebound higher.. Well, that's under the assumption that you are a rubber ball. If you are a glass ball, the outcome would be different, wouldn't it?

If you were to choose, would you want to be normal or would you want to be exceptional? I don't know.

Sometimes, I feel that I am not fit to be in 7B. Sometimes I feel that I am not.. haizzz
Sometimes when we feel that we are simply not deserving or stuff, we get too harsh with ourselves. We expect too much from ourselves sometimes.

I remember Mrs Seah said before, that we need to learn how to go easy on ourselves...
how to learn to love myself.

Be Positive =D

singing to the wind[9:02 pm]

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I finally have a day that I go home early since the past 3 weeks!!! Although it is not very encouraging due to the piles of work to be done, I shall still be happy.

I realise when I am rational, my blogs posts are properly written, when I am on the brink of insanity, I scream and use many exclamation marks. Oh wells, I still feel pretty stress due to the coming H3 test that I have not started preparing for. I shall not be overstressed and affect my performance. jiayou!

I shall be a good girl. And do what I am supposed to do. I cannot really care too much about whether I am happy or not already. Certain things are just out of my control. I shall hope that everything will be fine and that I can take a breather soon from my work and relax my mind, body and soul...

Shall work for it and Jiayou!

singing to the wind[4:43 pm]

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Monday, February 14, 2011

I am tired >< I feel like writing this post half in English, half in Chinese.. we'll see how it goes..
It is like you spent so much time and effort and yet accomplishing sooo little
有时真得很无奈
气愤自己为何没有别人有本事能担待得更多，背起更重的担子仍笑脸迎人乐观面对。
咳。。
心情烦躁、郁闷与懊恼
阿!!!
I really really cannot stand it, I think my capacity to undertake responsibilities is too minuscule to measure
But I can't crumble under the slightest pressure..
I need to show some strength
in me
Confidence

It's gonna be okay.
_______________________

On a lighter note, Valentine's Day is boring as usual for the past 18 years of my life
I guess the only perk is that I gave a Valentine's Day present to someone special hahaha
haha well there is no need to speculate, I am not attached and most likely will not be in the near future

I always end up oscillating with this mindset that I do not matter to people around me
But I guess it's too tiring to keep mulling over that fact
But I guess I also have to acknowledge that there are people special who mean something to me and I should be the one making them feel that they matter to me and not thinking too much about myself..
I have to trust that they care about me as much as I do about them

Maybe trust and concern is what make love and friendship precious.
These shall keep me going .. for a while at least.

singing to the wind[9:23 pm]

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Sunday, February 13, 2011

AHHHH! I am sick and tired of sitting at my desk the whole day trying to do work but with such low productivity >< I don't want to do work ahhhhh..

Venting my frustration ><

It's such a Hot day.. not conducive for work at all. I think my emotional barrier for procrastination is tooo HIGH to be overcome. Reaction absolutely unfavourable, with Ke <10^-infinity ><

HAIZ... Centad, CCA argh ><, H3 test, class tests and LOADS of hw T.T

I don't want to do......

Efficiency! ><
Haix Jiayou!

singing to the wind[2:36 pm]

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

I always admire people with charisma, confidence and capability, maybe because I am lacking in those areas. I think I think in a contradicting fashion, sometime I have that tinge of pride in myself and sometimes I feel inferior and that I pale in comparison to people around. In terms of zest, commitment and diligence.

I procrastinate too much. I hope this series of blog posts and spur me to do something about my laziness lately. Jiayou, I need to get work done!

singing to the wind[11:21 pm]

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Friday, February 11, 2011

I think my blog lacks depth and content but it's ok =)

Just as I thought I can't stop coughing incessantly, it stopped ^^ haha. Some people say I sound different when I cough... Hmm I think I cough softer than normal because I do not cough to ease throat irritation, I somehow cough due to involuntary trachea muscular contraction ^^ I coined this up.. looks pretty professional.. haha It probably sound different due to the orgin of the sound being lower down in the chest-windpipe area, instead of the pharynx-voicebox area.. I can cough without sound too.. some odd sudden expulsion of air.. I guess this is due to some asthma-related problems when I was a few years old.

I spent a long time thinking of what to write, sometimes I stone at my blog. It is not take I have nothing to write about, just that I don't feel like writing those stuff..

I took like 1h cleaning up my computor desktop, catagorising all the loose files into folders. I am not a very neat person but when things get too messy, I feel a great sense of satisfaction sorting them nicely =D

I think I am getting lazy recently.. complacency...
I sort out a stack of to-dos
It's depressing to look at it.
I think I slack for long enough, tommorow I shall work hard to finish up the overdue stuff...
I'll try ...

singing to the wind[6:32 pm]

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Tuesday, February 08, 2011

I like being a visual person, I can see things in my head and imagine scenes of wondrous things that aptly expressed my feeling at that moment. I can just close my eyes and see a different world. My world of fantasy. Some scientists call it the mind's eye; everybody has it just that is developed differentially. I feel good indulging in my imagination where everything is so surreal. Dreamy. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine myself in sparkly avatar-like rain forest.. step by step on the earthly, leafy ground, I explore. I saw brilliant creatures.. beautiful =) It's a very comfortable feeling, an experience where you can let go of all the troubles you have in real life and be the person you earned to be. At ease..

(I feel that every thought I conjure is shaping my character.. sometimes I feel that thinking is dangerous.. I warn myself against thinking too darkly...)

I make display pictures with images or design in my mind and try my best to replicate what I see... =P so my facebook display pictures are mostly original ^^ I like visual art but I don't know how to appreciate them professionally. I like surreal art best =)

I was pretty tired earlier on and laid on my bed for quite a while before I go down for dinner. I was having a headache. Feeling terrible, I close my eyes trying to rest my mind for a while.. Relaxing my mind, I vaguely saw a dim reddish glow in a dark night. The image made me feel very comfortable. Following the little glow dancing in a backdrop of night stars...

I like being myself... but it is also a hard fact that I have to accept that I need to understand the constraints of the circumstances... I am like water in a jug.. fluid as it is but conformed to the shape of the juggy jug

singing to the wind[8:03 pm]

Another day...

I think Panadol is not effective... I still feel very much the same. In fact, school makes more difference. When I go to school, the symptoms are kinda controlled... but I feel worse. At home, my eyes can't help tearing and my nose just keep running. I guess I tend to feel better at home cos if I feel tired I can just tumble into my bed.. Ahh sneeze ><

Oh wells, it's raining again... I dislike hot rainy days...

Anyway I feel that school is becoming more hectic and the peer pressure is increasing... I just want to work at my own pace and do tutorials after the lectures are complete or when I feel like it.. but I end up being the last in my class to start doing them.. >< I mean there is no need to complete the tutorial before the lectures what.. I can find something else more meaningful to do if I have the time to spare... Hmmm >< I guess I have no choice but to succumb to peer pressure.. I'll try to start doing them asap.. when I am done with my CCA stuff.. Centad report, H3 etc...

I have to be fitter... stronger to meet the demands of school and NAPHA >< ahhh
I procrastinate alot... like school work and my exercising plans and my registration for SATS

I guess I just have to accept reality and jiayou for it.. Despite all the unwillingness, I suppose all these are worth it =)

singing to the wind[5:45 pm]

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Saturday, February 05, 2011

I realise I usually fall sick when there is no school ><

I feel nothing but fatigue
with tears flowing from my eyes and running nose
oh wells
I hope I'll get well soon
cos I didn't get to do much work these few days, as I gotta go out visiting temples, relatives houses and other festive places of interest. Hmm the 春节花会 and 河畔 are pretty ordinary...
but there were loads of people .. so there is some tinge of festive mood.

ahh sniff sniff... my nose can't stop running argh
I don't why but when I fall sick I do not let my parents know about it and do not see a doctor to get MC
I just try to get over with it myself
I don't know if that is independence but I guess its not
Because I can't life outside my comfort zone...
reliance and dependence is something I cannot learn to give up
Oh wells.
I hope everything will turn out fine
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It's kinda of amusing when I realise my sister spent half a minute talking to an empty toilet, thinking I was inside.. It's nice to have a sister even though we may not appear to love or treasure each other alot. But I guess deep down we do care.

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ahh work!
I didn't know CENTAD report is due in less than 2 wk and the data are all with my mentor argh
means I can't do anything until my mentor replies
><
tutorials (math,econs, chem, bio and Gp time turner ahhh) I need a time turner ><
tests and CCA argh orientation video >< and CCA exhibition ohhh
oh wells
I will survive..
But I have to get well first.
Jiayou!

singing to the wind[8:34 pm]

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