*____I just want to be happy___

Friday, April 29, 2011

I realise I can be serious for a moment and wacky for the next (hmm wacky such an odd word to use). Anyway, just when I thought I should do some soul-searching with this post, an interesting analogy came across my mind. As I was looking at the blogger stats, I realise my viewership is like a small population, hence vulnerable to genetic drift. Small fluctuations in viewership can cause dramatic changes to the proportion of operating system used. Now the firefox OS (allele) is completely eradicated from the weekly viewership (gene pool).. haha this model fits very well ^^

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I realise I have too many flaws.. should I make a conscious effort to change them or should I just leave it, since it is still me.

Oh I learnt how to play monopoly deal recently, it is a very addictive and exciting game cos it preys on humans' desire to win. I shouldn't 玩物丧志. I realise school recently seem very slack, especially the tutorial lessons. Many times the atmosphere is just not conducive for learning, causing me to not treat it seriously. Ahh certain bad habits should not be condone. I should not let myself roll down a downward spiral. I must do my tutorials properly!

I need discipline to make sure I get what is needed done.
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I realise I am also considered the 草莓族，as the chinese teachers describe. I am squashed easily by adversity and even negative remarks. I should learn to be strong before I step into the harsh real world out there.

singing to the wind[8:51 pm]

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I realise I always have issues with being a perfectionist. The strive for perfection always gets into conflict with all my other traits. As much as I earn to attain perfection in my work, I have been unable to do so due to a lack of will and determination. I can't seem to get into the 100% focus-and-mug mode and I always end up being distracted by facebook and blog etc.

I know.. Sometimes I do ask myself if perfection really matters. Sometimes I just feel like ignoring the thing all together since I have concluded that life should be enjoyed and lived to the fullest. I feel that there is a lot of empty talk going on here. Nothing ever gets done. If I lose my strive for perfection I might lose myself...

I have also realised that there is not ideal life in reality.. whatever decision we make we will have to accept the downside that comes along with it. As much as I would love to live in the countryside and live beside nature, I know I will not get use to the segregation from technology and the world. There are opportunity costs to be considered in every decision. We can only make the best out of the options available.

I need fulfilment. I am recently enlightened regarding the healing powers of love. I realise that a simple act of affection by my parents make me feel really good. I also realised the correlation between love and physical contact. I believe hugs and caresses can induce release of stress-relieving hormone ( this is corroborated by past research) Anyway my point is I sorta learn to appreciate care, concern and love. I think by learning how to love can make my life more fulfilling. Sounds like medicine is a prospective career =D

singing to the wind[10:56 pm]

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Saturday, April 23, 2011

haha I realise small group outings are fun, especially when you have super lame friends ^^. The games we played at settlers' cafe were very cool, I never played them before.. haha there are this panda game, say anything game and the fruit game. Haha RX's reflexes are amazing haha we pale in comparison. I realise I am very clumsy and slow >< haha but the panda game is still very fun.. cos all of us have got specific actions that we repeatedly cannot do haha. The outing is very different from other outings that I had been to. It's so much cooler haha. Although the consequence i guess is me screwing up my H3 lab today. >< Clumsy me. My TLCs all 全军覆没 sad.. none of it met the mark... The product yield is quite low also... And apparently, I seem to answer the lecturer's question in a not very accurate way >< Haiz I shall put in more effort in the report.

I realise I seem to slack too much. Currently in a rather laid back-don't feel like doing anything- mood.. Haiz my drive for perfection is smothered by the lack of zest... I can't seem to make myself do the best that I can for each task. (although sometimes I ask myself if there is a need.. feels like a downwards spiral ><)

Ahh DETERMINATION come on!!!

singing to the wind[4:37 pm]

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It's a good day to get an MC ^^... I end up sleeping for most of the entire day and yesterday >< My flu is weird. I started out feeling terrible then I'll feel ok .. later in the day my running nose and cough came back haizz.. I want to get well so I can go for the good friday mini class outing! ahh.. I realise I get sick more easily this year. >< Oh wells.. today is a slack day =D

I stare at tutorial 8 for H3 in despair... I finally know how tough H3 is.. I haven't started doing but I think I should revise chapter 17, 18 ,19 first. (this is the first time that I plan to do that) I shall put in more effort this time round. I realise I don't put in alot of effort in my work.. Most of the time I just breeze through them in a slipshod fashion.. I should be more serious in studying.

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hmm I recently saw a status update on facebook, saying " don't fall for a guy unless you are sure that he is ready to catch you"

You know what, unknowingly this has been how I deal with relationships for a long time. I make sure that I don't have a crush on any guy unless I am sure he like me.. (this is foolproof, since nobody likes me, I won't harbour any unrealistic fantasies =D) But I do hope this passive attitude won't make me a spinster in the future ><

I know some of my friends don't want to start a relationship because they think it's not the right time.. I prefer not to start a relationship because I don't want to get hurt.. I guess I am not as strong or as principled as my friends. I am just a normal and simple girl. Very gullible I think ><

singing to the wind[6:35 pm]

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Monday, April 18, 2011

I am pretty amazed how I survived the entire day of lessons today, including 2 mock spas and H3 ... with headaches, flu and everything...

Ahhh I realise the less stuff I gotta do, the more likely that I will fall sick... Weird. I should sleep early today.

I was reading facebook threads and I realise that there are certain pitfalls that I always fall into. Pitfalls of stereotyping, hypocrisy, subjective judgement and superficial thinking. To think about it, it is not easy to get rid of such habits >< But to grow up and become a mature thinker, I should learn to make critical judgements.

Another thing is about discipline.. since when did I ever have something called discipline.. ><Ahh I have ranted thousand of times about my procrastinations.. argh

Lastly, it's peer pressure. Surprisingly, this time the source of peer pressure comes from outside 7B.. This few days, I overheard different groups of people saying they are starting to study for .. (I am not sure) (didn't hear properly) But that's enough to create stress since I haven't even plan to start studying.. If I am ever going to start, I will be studying my H3 and SAT first...

Ahh screwed.. hope everything can go well...

singing to the wind[8:54 pm]

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Saturday, April 16, 2011

Add a scoop of productivity,
a spoonful of fulfillment,
a handful of happiness,
a pinch of freedom,
and dose of contentment
to the broth called life...

Ahh the feeling of being sick is terrible.. I shall wish myself to get well soon :)

singing to the wind[9:16 pm]

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Hmm I ought to adopt a healthier lifestyle.. I should take time to exercise more often and relax appropriately =D Haahh I realise I always describe myself as feeling a little odd.. cos I can't find any apt description of my feelings. I guess feeling are abstract and interesting.. maybe I can do research on neurons in the future. haha well pretty unrealistic but who knows...

I think I have grown to be a more candid person over the past year.. I realise that there are certain things that I no longer refrain from discussing in public.. certain opinions that I usually keep by myself. Well the bright side is that I become a little more confident.. the down side is that I begin to speak without thinking through thoroughly.. I hope I haven't offended anyone... I should learn how to be sincere when dealing with people.

Hmm Oh today wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be.. Although everything was a relief, I can't help worrying that my current studying method is not going to work in A lvl. Studying everything in the syllabus is almost an impossible feat. I shall attempt to find a solution to that..

Well I shall jiayou for everything and increase productivity =D

I feel like putting this here:

singing to the wind[9:10 pm]

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Really tired... I feel like I am going to drift off to sleep this very minute. I shall attempt to be more efficient next time. Ahh... I hadn't been sleeping very late recently, I don't know why I feel so tired.

Haiz.. Sometimes I feel quite sad. When I see my friends being shower with care and concern.. I do feel a little envious. But I know my place.. Given my terrible EQ, I wouldn't expect any people to really show care. That's mainly because I don't openly show my concern to other people, it's easy for people to overlook my existence. I keep telling myself to be realistic and not expect anything more to be done for me but I still harbour certain fantasies. I should stop my wishful thinking... Be down to earth and accept the fact.. Shall learn to be self-sufficient =)

singing to the wind[9:21 pm]

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Beautiful :D

singing to the wind[6:37 pm]

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Sunday, April 10, 2011

It's storming outside.

I would love to switch off the lights so the whole room will be immersed in darkness (but the computer will become too bright for my eyes). Sometimes I love it when the rain is pouring down relentlessly onto Earth. Somewhat apocalyptic feeling. Somewhat fantastical. It makes me imagine some damsel in distress huddling in an abandon shed, wet and cold, waiting for a hero to appear. It makes me feel small and vulnerable, away from the reality of homework and exams.

The torrential rain washes away most of my troubles for the time being...

As I type, the storm is getting so huge that it's scary... Yet, I feel safe in the comfort of my home. Ambivalence.

It's a queer feeling.
I don't feel like doing anything much today.. It's one of the rare occasions that I am not being chased by undone tutorials. I hope the storm continues but I don't want anywhere to flood ...

Life... hmm
slowly, comfortably...

singing to the wind[5:04 pm]

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Friday, April 08, 2011

Feels a little odd... all of a sudden

I guess it must be the 2.4 km run. After the run I felt feverish for the entire day and I ended up drinking alot of water trying to cool down.. Oh wells, it's over anyway.

These few weeks have been rather slack but I wasted most of the time away, accomplishing very little stuff.. I wonder why I spend so much time on the internet... haahh I think this weekend will be wasted away since I don't have the motivation to do anything.

I actually admire the people in our class.. many of them possess qualities that I lack and I always look up upon them and hopefully I can become better as well. Sometimes I wish to be able to write as well as my friends; to speak as well and to be as disciplined. I realised I am not as serious in my work than many of my friends. I am weird person... >< I do have many mischievous ideas up my sleeves just that I don't put them into action so people think that I am a 'guai' person. Many people have the misconception that I am quiet. Actually I am just a little reserved.. I only open up to people who I feel comforted with.. I guess the real me will amazed most of my friends... ^^ hmmm...

I should have priorities in life.. and not waste so much time on facebook! haha

singing to the wind[9:18 pm]

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Wednesday, April 06, 2011

hahh I am quite happy with the current pace of work... pretty flexible and comfortable.

haha I think my current tag line shall be 'just do it' as suggested by my friends. I realise I tend to worry too much over things and don't feel like doing anything at all. Well actually I really have nothing to do at some point of time and I just waste the time away. So, why not use the pockets of time meaningfully, doing what I feel like doing. If I don't feel like doing anything in particular I can just do something.. at least I complete some stuff afterwhile. This is better than thinking and planning a homework list that never gets done ^^

I shall make my life meaningful and fulfilling =D By doing the things I like and doing my work properly. I feel pretty accomplished doing some little things one at a time. I think I shall try to have fun and make good use of everyday =) I decided to be more light-hearted and joyful... Life is life, worrying does nothing to make it better. So why not live life happily .. at the very least you enjoyed the process. I guess this is the level of work and stress that I can cope with.. anything more will throw me off balance. I shall 未雨绸缪 and prepare for the busy times ahead.. =D haha feeling pretty good now.. except sticky I shall bathe soon ^^

singing to the wind[9:32 pm]

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Sunday, April 03, 2011

Different people have different ideals, values and beliefs. Some day ago, my dad commented that my view of life is overly idealistic and naive. Perhaps. My perspective is indeed restricted to the fortunate life that I have experienced thus far. But I do believe that my ideals are somewhat realistic. I want a blissful life to be able to experience all beauties of this world and enrich my journey with meaningful and fulfilling activities, hoping to make a small difference to this world. I wouldn't spend my whole life trying to earn money. I want to earn enough to enjoy life. Earn enough to go to Finland to view the spectacular aurora.

I want to help too. The other day some of my friends were talking about if we get to choose a special power what would it be. They wanted mind reading ability, precognition etc. I .. wouldn't. I believe that knowing too much would make me less happy instead. If I were too choose, I would choose to be a healer. I have always been pretty fascinated with healing powers. Not the surgery kind with blood and gore but the magical kind. The one which you can chant something and the ill and the wounded would miraculously heal. A power of purity and love.

I guess I found my direction in life. I would say that I felt really stressed recently but I have been trying to tell myself :
If you love what you do; you will never have to work a day in your life. =D

singing to the wind[11:55 am]

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Friday, April 01, 2011

It's kinda uncanny how some parts of colourgenics is so spot on that it kinda sums up what you are feeling right at the moment.

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will. [well acceptable]

You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective. [incredibly true]

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. [Very true] You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason. [haha only to my sister]

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. [YES] You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone. [partly]

hahh if only life can be simpler, happier and more relaxed.

singing to the wind[8:28 pm]

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