*____I just want to be happy___

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Boo!
haiz... I realise I am really quite useless...
I am bored.. super bored. I spent loads of time trying to find games to entertain myself. I spent loads of time on facebook, waiting for someone to talk to. Much to my dismay, I end up seeing many people publicising their mugging plans on facebook. I don't have a to-do list yet. I don't even feel like studying for my H3 final exam. I feel really guilty but that doesn't motivate me either.

I play and I slack, I play and I slack and I play. Argh. Blaming myself doesn't have any impact on my action. I feel like I am on a downwards slide towards the slippery infinite depths. And I wonder how things can possibly work out by the end of the 'holidays'. Since no one is available for me to talk to, I shall continue talking to the vast Internet space... I think I am going insane dealing with this conundrum. I should go for mugging session after my H3 to hopefully catch up something.

singing to the wind[10:06 pm]

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

I am sorry... for being overly preoccupied with my own problems and selfish desires. I was reminded of Mrs Seah's discussion on naval gazing. I guess I ought to open my mind to the massive reality out there. I ought to care more about the people around me and the less fortunate of this world. So what if I face occasional failures? Face it and move on. It's no big deal.

Having been blessed with everything I have now, I ought to contribute however meagerly back to the society. Well, I guess I am more or less decided on my future career path after going to the scholarship fair.

singing to the wind[4:12 pm]

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's okay, I guess... since not everything in life is going to go my way, I should just accept and try to improve the situation. Life is still pretty ok, just that there are busy times and stressful times. Nonetheless, we still get to have fun and experience the adrenalin high sometimes. I realise I do feel moody when stress sets in and I realise there are so many things I can't do. The thought that I am simply not good enough creates alot of pressure to do better. Well, I realise too that we can't always rely on others. We cannot expect people to be there when we are feeling down. I need to stand on my own two feet and learn how to fly. For a start, I should learn how to cheer myself up. You never know what comes next, perhaps a pleasant surprise awaits you at the next stop.

Today I was pretty moody being made to stone in school until 4pm for CCA exco meeting. Well, I didn't have the mood to do any work. Before I played monodeal with the 7F people, I went down to the canteen to buy milo, hoping that the sweet drink can cheer me up. Coincidentally, a guy happens to be there teaching balloon sculpturing and magic. Haha I stood there for like 30 mins. I realise bringing happiness to people is a noble job too. Although I may not be cut out to be a clown, those skills are beneficial to pick up. Well, at least I can make myself happy.

I shall not think too much and let my heart lead the way.

singing to the wind[10:04 pm]

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

I guess I am getting very confused about who I am and what should I become. I feel this unsettling feeling most of the time due to uncertainty of the future. I know people don't usually read my blog, in fact I think I read my own blog more often than other people do. I like reading my own posts again and again. I guess the past is the only certainty in life. Many times, I try to reorganise my thoughts and remind myself of who I am. More often than not, I probe deeper into who I really am by penning down my thoughts.

Everything feels rather odd, or maybe surreal. I guess this is the place where I can derive the most amount of reassurance and security. A place to hold on to in case I lose my personality. I recap how I go through happy times and sad times and remind myself of the ideals, beliefs and values I hold dear. In fact, my blog is like a pensive =D Reminds me of Harry Potter.

I don't know but I guess it's ok. Many people do not know who they want to become yet they still become successful people in life. Perhaps I should have more confidence in myself.

singing to the wind[5:07 pm]

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Happy Vesak Day =D

Haah I haven't touched work since I came home from school yesterday. Watched a couple of movies and dramas and went to the temple today. Sometimes I enjoy going to the temple, cos I can toss all troubles out of my mind and immense in the tranquility amidst the buzzing crowd. I believe people with good will will be blessed. As I go around to pray, I felt an overwhelming sense of awe and respect in the atmosphere. =) I wouldn't say I am a very devoted buddhist but the beliefs of buddhism deeply influence my values and judgement.

Day without work feels hmm great?

It was so hot earlier that when I walked in the sun for a while I could feel my skin protesting in pain, yes pain.

走着走着，我突然想起一句诗，“人生得意须尽欢，莫使金樽空对月”。这正好可以当我连日来‘不务学业’的借口。我一向来都满喜欢李白的《将进酒》，那它来做借口好像有点得罪圣贤的感觉。我不清楚这首诗背后的故事，但我总感觉到里头的无奈与消沉。自古圣贤许多都壮志未酬，被时事所局限，只好改为享乐度日。只能叹一句‘人生啊。。。’

singing to the wind[4:14 pm]

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Saturday, May 14, 2011

The picture is very beautiful. I suppose life should be beautiful too. I went to Assisi Hospice for briefing today... I realise many people out there never had a chance to taste the sweetness of life. Not everyone is as fortunate... I heard stories of terrible things that happen to people and suddenly I see how fragile life is. I left the hospice, heavy-hearted. I am confused, I don't know why some people have to endure all those hardship. I don't how whether I am capable of helping to change anything. But there is one thing I know, despite its fragility, life is resilient. Be brave, be strong. Sincerely revere life and cherish everything bestowed upon us. Don't take things for granted.

Don't fear, don't cry.

Before that I was just wondering what is the meaning of life. But now I guess it should be along the lines of fulfilment and no regrets. Compared to the less fortunate, my life with all those tutorials and exams is not arduous at all. Jiayou, and I shall be on the road to make a difference. Hope I can do it =D

Here is a brother bear song for everyone :)

singing to the wind[6:35 pm]

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Thursday, May 12, 2011

The lack of sleep is muddling up my mind. I didn't really do anything for the past days so I don't know why I didn't have enough rest. I guess procrastination is the culprit. Oh wells. Oh I went to rewatch some scenes from Harry Potter 7 Part 1and the trailer for part 2. Haha trying to add some excitement to my ahem... life as a JC student. I want to watch it soon. So exciting =D

I realised I can't fall asleep if I am thinking about stuff, random stuff. I have to force my brain to stop thinking about anything to really effectively fall asleep on buses. Well, while I was going home today, I was just thinking about my personality and the personalities of my classmates. I realised my character is astonishingly malleable. I guess I really changed significantly over the past few years. I became alot more outspoken (comparatively) and more fluent. Maybe the change is beneficial but I just feel that it is different. Odd. I can't seem to stop myself from changing, well not that change is bad. It is just unfamiliar. I realise 7B is a class of diverse and talented people. And interpersonal interaction is a very curious thing. Cos there is such a thing called mirror neurons and all humans have them. The neurons allow people to unconsciously mimic one another's tiny actions and behaviour. I guess this causes close friends to act more similarly to one another over time. I guess this is how my character morphed so rapidly over the years according to the social environment I happen to be in. Haha randoming.

I realised I increasingly have this heck care attitude towards school work. I shouldn't, but there are too many distractions around. I want to be happy but I don't know why I began to feel empty midway through all this.

singing to the wind[9:18 pm]

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Saturday, May 07, 2011

A strange sense of sadness that originates from nowhere.
Mysterious incertitude.
Suddenly, there is this desire to wallow in despair.
Despite the air of sinisterness and eeriness,
sadness emanates beauty and grace.
Maybe sadness can be alluring sometimes.

Running away from reality,
to hide somewhere where all troubles will be gone.
Into the dark forest where only moonlight penetrates
Indulging in the mystical company of enchanted creatures
I close my eyes, listening to the silence left of this world.

Sorry for my nonsensical rambling.

singing to the wind[3:52 pm]

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Friday, May 06, 2011

I feel tired and uncertain. Recently, I seem to be taking quite a few long quiet walks by my self, trying to sort things out. I realised solitude is sometimes therapeutic. I don't know why most people dislike being alone, well I know it can be depressing at times but it can be rather peaceful as well. I thought about a lot of stuff but I can't remember them already. Now there is this odd sense of emptiness.

I realise certain things in life are to complex to be sort out clearly, there is actually not apparent right or wrong in many things. I shall refrain from throwing myself into a pool of dilemmas by reflecting on existential and ethical issues. I do think about those stuff frequently but I will usually give out thinking as I draw nearer to a conclusion that I don't want to make. There always seems to be conflict between individual selfish motives and universal good in society's progress and many a times it's the former that gets fulfilled. Sometimes I begin to question my value set and ask myself if nature selects against true, sincere and kind people. Is the path always harder for people who do not succumb to unscrupulous methods? If that's the case, should I still hold on the my values and beliefs? There seems to be a conflict between the right decision and the rational decision? Hmm, I don't know.

I realise riddles are fun.. Haha and I realise many times things are fun because one is good at it. I think it is due to how our brains are wired.

I somehow feel that even though I maybe be able to reflect on some things but my perspective of the world is really narrow. I have a feeling that my values might change when I finally experience the harsh real world out there. Oh wells, but still I believe kindness is therapeutic as well. =D

singing to the wind[4:02 pm]

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