*____I just want to be happy___

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

At first I wanted to type in Chinese but I changed my mind. Many unhappy things happened today, so many that I don't know what to say. On my way home, I was complaining to myself and I wanted to grumble on my blog but I changed my mind too. Sorry I know it sounds really random but I tell myself that I shall stay strong in the face of adversity. I know it is going to be difficult but it is all part of the process of growing up. I shall be contented with my lot and make the best of things.

As I struggle to grow up and face the harsh reality of the world, I realise I am forcefully suppressing the idealistic spirit inside me. The more I try to stand on my own, the more walls I build to surround my heart. To protect myself from such vulnerability. I really hope disillusionment is not part of growing up. Much as I would want to toughen up, I do not wish to lose my ability to love life.

singing to the wind[4:49 pm]

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Friday, August 26, 2011

hahh...

I was just thinking about stuff on the way home, albeit feeling very tired. I realise personality and character are very profound entities. There are indeed many layers to a person and it really takes a lot of time and effort to know a person thoroughly. Sometimes, even I do not know myself inside out. It's a queer thing. I shall accredit that to the sophisticated and intricate interactions in our brains. Well, it seems that every additional experience we have each day adds to shape our mindsets, provided that we bother to process the information. Thus, the complexity and perhaps maturity of thoughts increases. Of course, I know some people are more superficial, but I believe most people are deeper than what I understand about them. Unfathomable but interesting.

On the same note, I would admit that many people in our class are reflective thinkers that think beyond the surface in their own time. These two years have indeed been a great learning experience and an unforgettable one. I sincerely hope the friendship we've forged will last. Though my cold, reserved demeanor might pose some problems to that. But there's really more about me than who I am on the surface. I realise I give everyone I meet the wrong impression about who I really am. I will perhaps attempt to melt the layer of ice on the surface but I am not the kind of extroverted person. I guess we will see how things go.

singing to the wind[3:19 pm]

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

I wonder why I always try my best to hide the fact that I am sick in front of my parents. Some queer unknown instinct. Hmm. Argh... this can't go on. Being sick further depletes my already non-existent productivity. Ahh sneeze >< Omg, I feel terrible. Please don't fall sick... I shouldn't.

Time is flying by so past that I don't have the time to stop and ponder about the things that have happened these two years. It has indeed been an exhilarating journey, though marred with unprecedented complacency and slacking. I used to take everything I do more seriously but now I have become so slipshod in my work. I am squandering my time away. Anyway, I shall keep Mr's how life story in mind to motivate me to stay committed to what I want. Come on, do something.

Right. I shall start.

singing to the wind[9:54 pm]

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Friday, August 19, 2011

I shall not do anything that is not constructive at the moment. I have no time and energy for things like stress, undue worrying, overwhelming anxiety, insomnia and self-doubt.

I am seriously tired.

I wish I really wish I am naturally calm, confident and charismatic. Breathe... and relax...
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I just got a lecture from my dad. I like it that my dad doesn't hit or scold me when I do things wrongly. My dad is admirable, as he can see through many things in life and not commit many of the flaws that I do. I realise many times people get wiser day by day through experience. The increased maturity comes naturally but you need to be receptive to changes for the better. I know my flaws I shall try to overcome them slowly.
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The candid truth sometimes may not sound that nice. It is hard to decide whether you should be the one being the devil and point out the problem or commit the sin of omission. After all, I am in no position to interfere other people's affairs so I shall refrain from commenting lest I end up being scolded for my good intentions.
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I realise this post records my random unrelated thoughts of today. Continuing the trend of randomness I shall post a song that I really like.

singing to the wind[10:00 pm]

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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Let go.

I was feeling immensely troubled lately. I spent hours in introspection, hoping to break through that ceiling that is blocking out the sky light. I realised one thing. All my worries, anxiety and stress seem to stem from 执著, i.e. failing to let go. I worry because I feel that I have too much to lose if things don't happen as they should. But worrying will not change things. Be at peace with myself and not take things too hard. Breathe...

Live. Love. Laugh.

singing to the wind[1:08 pm]

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Time. Motivation. Strength.

Those are the things I desperately need but sadly lack. My future is in my hands, am I up to it? Facing times of immense challenges, I am periodically discouraged by my inability, inefficiency and inadequacy. I want to seek solace and derive strength from I don't know where. I need support but without which I have no choice but to stand tall and strong on my own. On a side note, I actually spent half a day going out on national day and watch NDP at home, I wonder if I was being foolish. I hope not.

singing to the wind[10:21 am]

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Wednesday, August 03, 2011

I need more confidence. I need to stop doubting myself, it's wasting a lot of time and mental strength. It makes me tired when I didn't do anything.

Confidence is something I never had much of. In fact I feel inferior and unsure most of the time that I try to put on a strong front in front of people. Cool, calm haha. Beneath that facade lies my true self in need of assurance that I am treading on the right path. I need to have faith in myself. Move on.

singing to the wind[9:07 pm]

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