*____I just want to be happy___

Friday, September 30, 2011

Eyes.

I realise these are far from being your average sense organs. Eyes convey emotions and looking at someone in the eye tells you a lot more truths than words can possibly do. A lot more feelings that one tries to hide. A gaze, a look or a stare can also evoke emotions in the parties involved. (At least that was how I felt) I suppose eyes contribute significantly to one's facial expression which can be reassuring, doubting, or even alluring. Eyes perhaps also charm and enchant.

The relationship between my dog and me is mainly established on the basis of eye contact. From the way he looks at me, I could feel the sense of trust, expectation (for food), or even love. There is this abstract attachment not built upon words.

Hahh.. Guess the post exam reverie is making me too comfortable with doing nothing all day. I should start to feel the urgency and gravity of the situation.

singing to the wind[10:18 pm]

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

There is this desire to wallow in self-pity, but I shall not. I shan't say that I am disappointed or sad, maybe I am deep inside... but I expected this anyway. I realise I have been relying on luck to get pass most of the tests this year and I feel that luck is running out. I need to get serious already. There is not much time left. Now there is this intense regret for not starting earlier. Haiz, what's been done is done, I guess I shall stay positive. I have just seen this quote a while ago : {You hate your life but there are people dreaming to live your life.}

不该怨天尤人，应积极进取。
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Miracles... Reminds me of shooting stars and aurora. So beautiful yet enigmatic. When faced with adversities and difficult times, I tend to wish for someone to help me tide over this distressing period or some miracles to happen out of the blue. To wish upon the star and hope. Maybe this is called escapism. But having hope is still a good thing, at least it heals a fragile soul like mine.

When I am feeling despondent, I feel better listening to this song. Maybe not so much of the rap part. Wonder if I have posted this before.

singing to the wind[5:27 pm]

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Monday, September 26, 2011

Although this song is not actually a hit, it's my favourite song in her debut album. I like it better than bleeding love... I think I like the feeling...it's beautiful. haha and this song is coincidentally produced by my favorite male singer, Ne-yo. I guess I really like RnB music but I don't know why some people view it with distaste...

singing to the wind[9:30 pm]

Oh dear... I can't believe I am still sick. My cough seems to be worsening. Argh.

Haix. Prelims are over. I actually feel a tinge of sadness, maybe regret is a better word. Or even guilt. I don't feel like I did my best. I was too complacent. Now I have one last chance to make everything right. Right now, I shall mentally prepared myself for the consequences. Of course, I am still crossing my fingers, hoping everything went just fine. Sometimes, our teachers seem to have more confidence in us than we have in ourselves. Haix. Expectations. >< If I had done my best, perhaps I would feel more at peace.

Oh wells, I shall let go of the heavy burden for a while. I shall do more things to make myself happy. After all, I believe intangible things like happiness are more important than anything else.

I love the smell of the rain. I shall go for a long walk sometime. Now I am listening to Yiruma's piano music :D really soothing. I want to learn piano after A levels, haiz I'll be eternally grateful if someone can teach me >< but I think it's gonna be quite hard cos I am not exactly musically inclined.

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Haha.
Sometimes I wonder if my EQ is that low. I don't make a lot of friends, which is why I cherish my close friends. But I have learnt that relationships can be superficial sometimes. And I have also learnt to not expect anything from anyone. Because that's the only way to protect myself from getting disappointed, from getting hurt. Putting up a strong front may conceal all the vulnerabilities but it doesn't make one immune to such hurt. Sometimes, I wonder if I shouldn't write all these here. Sometimes I wonder how private my blog is. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too gullible, too trusting and too dumb. I really don't know. Sometimes I can't help but let my heart rule over my head. Perhaps that's dangerous.

singing to the wind[2:40 pm]

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Friday, September 23, 2011

Lalala I feel free-spirited today :D
Hahh such a lovely day, I shall not do anything...

Daydreaming ~

singing to the wind[4:58 pm]

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Sunday, September 18, 2011

I seriously feel like banging myself against the wall.

This is the most tormenting period of my life. ><

‘已经骈体鳞伤的我，还是得倘着血继续走下去。坚持。。。’

singing to the wind[4:38 pm]

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Thursday, September 15, 2011

How untimely.

I have never felt so screwed up before. I don't know why is all this happening. I had a fever since monday night but I thought I could deal with it and suppress it using paracetamol. But when it failed to work yesterday evening and my temperature rose even higher, I was scared really. After I came back from the clinic, I spent the whole night debating if I should still take the math paper today. I was really confused. Suddenly, I didn't know if grades really matter. I shouldn't measure my worth with grades. But thinking grades especially prelims grades don't matter is a very dangerous thought. If I had thought that grades didn't matter I would never be where I am today. I was so distraught that I couldn't sleep last night despite eating the cough medicine that is supposed to cause drowsiness.

At 6 am lying in bed, I was still debating if I should go to school. But I gave up. Maybe screwing up once is ok. My parents told me that no matter how badly I do they will still love me as much. I almost cried. I don't know. Maybe I set too high expectations for myself. Maybe there are many important things in life other than grades. There are too many maybes. Too much uncertainty regarding the consequences of my decision. I had been thinking about all this the whole night and morning. If I don't write it down, I probably can't move on.

I have already screwed up the past papers. I can't help but wonder how badly will I screw up this time round. How ironic. After thinking for hours, I think I finally managed to arrive at a conclusion. There will always be ups and downs in life. Maybe grades really don't matter. What matters is that I put in effort in everything I choose to do.

'Never lose sight of your dreams' I saw this quote on a calendar. Although I don't know what I want to be in the future, I know I want to be a useful person that can contribute to my family and society. No matter what happens, no matter what I do, I must make sure I stay on track to realise my dreams. Then I suppose it's good enough already.

singing to the wind[10:27 am]

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Thursday, September 08, 2011

Hahh.. These few days I have been feeling rather zen and tranquil with the exception of a few episodes of panic attack when I think of the upcoming prelims. I guess I am finally learning to take things in stride. I believe in destiny. I believe there is a reason for everything that's happening. Maybe it's all a blessing in disguise. I shall let nature take its course and make the best of of it. Even if I can't see the stars out there, I know they are still out there somewhere. Have faith, and smile.

singing to the wind[8:08 pm]

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Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Ouch.

It's the kind of hurt that you feel inside. I don't know. I am back to square one again. Lost and helpless. Why did you give me false hope to begin with? You lift me up only to let me fall down. Discouragement is the only thing left when I am left walking alone in the uncertain darkness and the only flicker of light just went out. The thin thread of belief that I am holding onto is on the brink of breaking. How am I suppose to believe that I can do it? I can't afford to make any wrong investment of my time anymore.

singing to the wind[3:02 pm]

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Saturday, September 03, 2011

There is always this period in life where many things go through my mind. Life, itself is profound. There are so many ways to live a life and so many things one may dream of, fight for or live to regret. I was just watching a drama (I am sorry but I know it's not very timely consider prelims is imminent) I recalled that night when I went to Marina Bay Sands Sky Park. It was indeed a luxurious place, brimming with material indulgence. It almost seemed like the upper class elites' lives are really colourful and exciting. A kind of life that anyone would earn for. But on second thoughts, it seemed like 一种沉沦与放纵 (i can't find an apt description in english). It's scary and empty maybe not that exaggerated. Maybe my view is too superficial. But my main point is no matter what try not to lose your true self.

Haiz.. Talking about prelims. I am feeling desperate. I can't get myself to study. For the past week, I had my head in the clouds, fretting about quite a few things that are not related to prelims. I was like running everywhere trying to get everything settled and deadlines met instead of sitting down properly to study. (I hope I had thought about university and scholarship stuff last year, then I wouldn't waste so much time) One week, it's all I have got to make miracles and productivity is as low as haiz.

singing to the wind[3:10 pm]

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