*____I just want to be happy___

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A new phase of my life is going to start soon. It's amazing how fast time flies. Before the memories and experiences of JC life settle in my head, it's gone. Now I am about to embark on a journey full of uncertainty, challenges, sacrifices. It will be a hard time but also a time for me to grow and mature. This process is no doubt painful. Every now and then I look back and wonder if everything is worth it. I think too much and worry too much when I have nothing on my hands to do. As I am about to be unemployed soon, I better plan how to spend my time meaningfully. If not my over active brain will dwell too much on the worrying future. I tell myself to let go of unnecessary worries and self-doubt but I just can't seem to do it. I guess I got to work harder.

Let me lay out the blue print for my 1 mth free time plan:
1. Kick start my brain's engine
2. Enjoy life by going out with friends and family
3. Indulge in simple pleasures (maybe drawing, painting, knitting, sewing, baking) - I am sure I will give up after 3 minutes but I'll see
4.Volunteer or work part-time in a animal welfare organisation
5. Learn piano
6. Prepare for university

Time flies and I already 19. In 5 yrs, I would be all grown up and independent. Then, I will have to bear the responsibility of an adult and support my family. It seems like my childhood is drawing to an end so quietly that I barely notice. And the sudden revelation that no one will tolerate your mischief and mistakes anymore because you are young is scary. I want to remain as a kid, sheltered under the strong and broad arms of my parents. So safe so secure. Despite the desire, I must slowly learn to be strong and independent.

Sometimes time passes so fast that I wonder if the world will end before we know it. And by the time it does, I hope I would have done something meaningful with the amount of time I spent on Earth. I hope I would have made my journey worthwhile. I would not expect to leave a legend but I hope to be able to inspire someone in one of the chapters of my story. This is the most significant reason that compels me to make that decision of a life time.

singing to the wind[12:44 pm]

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Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Insomniac

No one to blame but myself. I am my own biggest source of stress and anxiety. I always worried too far into the future. Scared that I cannot make it, I cannot take it, I cannot become who I want to be. In my mind, there is only one direct road to success accepted. No detours, no failures tolerated. I expect myself to be able to do what other people can. When I can't or when I think I can't. I stress and lose sleep. I think I ought to let go. Ought to realise life is not about the destination but about the journey. It is okay if I take a longer time than other people to reach my destination. It is okay to take a longer road or go astray sometimes. To fall down and get up again. Although time is wasted, it is never totally in vain. You gain along the way. I ought to let go of my perfectionist obsession. Take it a little easy on myself.

Don't expect everything to be within my comfort zone. In my future job there will be things I enjoys and things I don't. Take it in stride. Have more confidence in myself. I ought to realise that I don't need to be perfect. It is okay to have some flaws, as long as I improve along the way. It is a long road ahead. I really shouldn't start worrying now. Take it easy. Let nature take it course. Have more faith in the future and myself.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I always say but never do. My brain is difficult to control. Just let go, okay?

A little more confidence, a little more faith, a little more happiness, a little more love for people around me. Life is never about me only. It is about the people around me that brighten up the day. Can I try to brighten up their day as well. A little by little I shall learn to be more caring. Jiayous.

singing to the wind[9:32 pm]

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Saturday, June 02, 2012

Last night I decided to give up my drama pursuit and tuned in to Okto to watch Saving Gaia. I never really watched Okto because I usually turn to paid cable TV for documentaries. I haven't watched documentaries for quite a while due to my laziness and the declining standards of Starhub. Well that's not the point actually. Haha.

Saving Gaia turned out to be the best documentary I have watched lately with all the grand and magnificent shots. The messages and the images are so poignant. Now stubbornly etched in my mind.

I like the various life stories of different animals featured in the film. As you follow the wildlife in their journeys of life, you feel that intimacy. The inkling that we are not very different from them comes clear. I like the endearing tales of mummy whale and migrating geese etc. However, the most striking story is the one about papa polar bear. With rising global temperatures, the thin ice sheets melt, making it extremely difficult for them to hunt. In the film, the polar bear swam across large stretches of ocean without ice or land in sight. I'll tire and drown eventually. It is heart wrenching to see that. With no ice, polars cannot hunt for seals due to their unique hunting tactics. Desperate due to starvation, the polar turned to walruses that are so much stronger and larger. Hunting alone, it is almost an impossible gamble. The story ends with the poignant scene of the bear curling up in a ball, too hungry too tired to hunt anymore. The last ditch effort failed. Eventually, it dies of starvation.

I can't imagine anyone or anything dying due to starvation. I think it is very cruel. It suddenly occurred to me that our material world full of excesses is very sinful. I don't know. I don't think I am doing justice to the film with my very terribly written review. I just thought that we should really do something. Little baby steps to prevent polar bear from being extinct by the postulated date of 2030.

singing to the wind[4:27 pm]

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