*____I just want to be happy___

Monday, July 23, 2012

可能一整天呆在家里晃来晃去会让人觉得特别郁闷与迷惘。脑子空空的，望着窗外，心里却有许多的牵挂放不下。未来有着太多的未知数，实在很难让我的心平服下来。昏昏沉沉的一天一天就这样过去。没能过个新鲜刺激又有意义的长假，我只好带着些许遗憾的心情迎接新的学期。

呆望着电脑屏幕，不知该如何接着写下去。惆怅？忧伤？我不知到该怎么形容自己的心情，也不知到为何会有些感伤。可能是寂寞吧？默默的等待一个知己来分享我的喜怒哀乐。也许是怀念过去的人事物也说不定。新的学期，新的面孔。过去熟悉的朋友都各奔东西，为各自的前途努力。我难免会有一些被遗忘的感觉。有些依依不舍。有些空虚。

新的环境，新的挑战。切记不可以为了融入新的群体而迷失了自己。希望我可以坚守自己的信念，坚强的面对挑战，遇强则强。学习成熟，学习独立，学习关爱。

singing to the wind[9:40 pm]

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

I want to blog this now, because I am afraid I will forget how this feels like, forget how he looks like. Every time I walk past the place, I feel a kind of emptiness. I try to pretend that he is still there just that I cannot see him. I guess it's self-denial. I cannot say I don't love him but when he was with us I didn't give him alot of care and concern. I guess I am partially to blame. Hahh... yes I will miss him. For his boundless energy, for the explosive joy he shows when I play with him. He is not perfect, in fact he had a lot of flaws. But who's perfect? I shouldn't have expected so much from him when I myself can't give anything in return. I guess I don't know how to love. I am always at the receiving end that I become so selfish and greedy. Learning how to love and give will be a crucial lesson I need to complete before I can officially say I am all grown up.

Looking at myself I see so many gaping flaws that I don't know how I can be a good person. It's like an abyss of inadequacies. My efforts to cover them up or fix them seem futile. I guess it's because most of them are half-hearted attempts.

I shall not wallow in self-criticism. I will try harder each day. People move on, I hope you will too. May you be off to a better home. I will miss you.

singing to the wind[11:13 am]

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Sunday, July 08, 2012

When I look at this extended break from school now, it seems very much like a critical point in a journey where you land at a cross road and have to chose a path to carry on, uncertain of where it leads to. This eight month journey is packed with novel experiences, unfamiliar surroundings and unexpected turns. To me, this very much resembles some sort of rite of passage to adulthood, during which I embark on a quest to find my true calling. The life lessons gained along the way are precious and I believe it would continue to influence and mould my character for the years to come.

The much anticipated and to a certain extent dreaded camp has come and gone. Although I wasn't able to blend in and make new friends as much as I hope to have, I definitely ventured out of my comfort zone and learnt a lot. Rolling (and soaking) in satay and fish sauce made me realise that no matter how much you dislike a certain activity, you sometimes just have to bite the bullet and do it. In retrospect, the activity doesn't seem to be as horrible after all. I guess this strengthen your resilience and endurance. Doing a dance battle with freestyle with my senior in front of all my house mates really taught me how to throw away my dignity and self-consciousness to become a team player.I guess I am getting more and more used to embarrassing myself that I don't feel that horrible after making a fool of myself in front of everyone.

Now I am covered in bruises, small cuts, insect bites, sunburn patches and rashes. Haha but it is quite fun having every muscle on your body aching because you will realise new muscle groups that you didn't notice before. Haha aching from the leopard crawl, running, dancing, sliding, sit-ups and push ups over the past week. But it was fun, to a certain extent.

I guess the main take away I got from the camp is getting to know the people -- my batch mates and seniors. The seniors are really wonderful and supportive that inspire me to follow their footsteps to become a better person. I am not a christian but I find this quote on my senior's wall very enlightening:

The Physician's Prayer:

Endow me with strength of heart and mind,
So that both may be ready to serve
The rich and the poor, the good and the wicked
Friend and enemy
And may I never see in the patient
Anything else but a fellow creature in pain.

I realise all the worries I have for my future stem from my insecurities regarding my lack of ability and the amount of sacrifices needed. But I realise when you get to a position to help other people and change lives, your life isn't just about you only. If I stop being so self-oriented, my life would be much easier. May I derive strength by caring for people around me.

singing to the wind[1:38 pm]

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Sunday, July 01, 2012

The transition from secondary school to JC was not particularly tough because I practically knew almost every girl in my new class. It's been a long time since I've made a new friend. And frankly speaking, making new friends isn't an easy thing for me. It is very difficult for me to clique with people. Seeing my house mates busy chatting with each other, I feel like fading into the background. I have always been trying to be more friendly and outgoing and I have gone a long way from my primary school times. Maybe still not enough. Of course I am .. scared that I'll have no friends in my new house. The guys are nice. The girls are okay but they are too outgoing for me to clique with. And I realise some of seniors seem to notice that I am too quiet. I hope they'll understand and not see it like a sin for not actively participating in the mingling session.

The golden words of advice is probably : step out of my comfort zone

The reaction is feasible, just that the activation energy is very high. I just need to muster up some courage and push myself to do it.

You know what, I am dreading the upcoming camp. But I shall my very best to go with an open mind. Very difficult but no choice. Again it is tough because it is another venture out of my comfort zone. With 50 people in a chalet, how to sleep how to bathe. Aiyo Jiayous Participate more actively okay, don't fear of embarrassing myself.

I dislike being in the center of attention but seriously who will pay attention to me. So don't fear. Let's shine :)

singing to the wind[1:45 pm]

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