*____I just want to be happy___

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I had a great time meeting up with my friends to watch NY's musical. I would say that the production was better than I expected, in fact rather impressive despite the fact that we had to sit at the far end of the quadrangle. I am glad that I got the chance to talk to them, understanding how they are settling in the new environment and how to help myself settle in better. I guess I am really too used to my comfort zone and hence unable to cope with the sudden change in environment. Anxiety and stress are very high. But they'll be over, I believe. The transition from secondary school and JC was really smooth because I had close friends with me and class was small and like-minded (mostly geeky and introspective). The transition from JC to university is very tough I would say. First, the environment is totally different. Second, the people are totally different. The people in my house are all the happening, fun, cool people. There is no one I am close with yet. Thirdly, the responsibility is different. In JC, I am just responsible for my own grades, no big deal. In university especially as doctor-in-training there is this added pressure to survival 5 yrs of school and survive another 5 yrs of bond before I can have my deeply desired freedom. I guess all these are causing stress but I will slowly learn to cope with it.

I guess the most important reason for my unhappiness is my uncertainty in my conviction to be a doctor and my ability to survive. But all my family and friends say that my worry is undue. Yeah I guess. I asked one of my friends why are u so sure u want to be a doctor. She said she like what she is going to do and can foresee herself to do a doctor's job for the rest of her life. That sort of awaken some inner conviction within and I thought. Yes that was why I decide to be a doctor as well. I want to do good. It's a calling. I realised I have been too self-centered in what I worry about. I worry about myself. If I shift my perspective to other people and do this for the people around me, I guess everything will be more worthwhile.

I talked to my parents alot about my concerns and they shared with me their experiences and how they dealt with difficult times. I guess I will have to derive a lot of strength through religion and faith to carry. I shall be steadfast in my belief that it is my destiny to go on this path and I will fulfill that to the best of my ability. Most of all, I learnt to accept uncertainty in life and believe everything is planned in a way. There is no point worrying, keep calm and move on. No one is perfect, neither do I. I don't need to be perfect or even be good at anything. I can just take things easy and live a happy life, a small life if this is what it means. I don't need to be successful, I just have to do what I love and love the people I love. This entire time my parents are always standing by me, making me realise how much my parents love me and I am really thankful for that.

From the beginning that I decide to be a doctor I know it will be no easy task. I stuck to it because it is the only way I can learn and mature as a person. Escaping is not a solution to my problems. I will learn to cope slowly, bit by bit. I shall not worry about what is going to happen tomorrow, the day after or in the distant future. I shall live a happy life and love the people around me a little more each day.

singing to the wind[3:15 pm]

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Friday, August 10, 2012

I don't know. I really feel socially awkward all the time. Sometimes I just hope that social pressure don't exist and I can just be myself. When I see people I know I don't dare to say 'Hi' when I see them surrounded with enthusiastic friends chatting vivaciously. But if I don't say 'Hi' I wonder if they will think that I am unfriendly and get offended. I really treat you guys as friends and I wonder why when I finally find an opportunity to wave to you daoed me totally. Like I am invisible. Sometimes I wish I really am. Maybe I am. Totally blended in against the backdrop of overly excited chatters. Sometimes I wonder how much of small talk is sincere and how much of it is purely diplomatic.

Sometimes I feel very tired of searching for a sincere relationship. A shoulder to lean on.

Oh wells. But there is no point wallowing in despair. I shall jiayou and be more friendly and sincere to people. I shall not be an ice mountain waiting for people to conquer. Most people would be deterred by my cold appearance. I shall attempt to open up a little bit more. I read a quote recently and I thought it was quite nice. It reads something like: don't hide the real you because you never know if there is somebody who love the person you try so hard to hide.

I shall hope that that's true. I have to learn to be comfortable in a group of people and be myself. Loads to learn, Jiayou :D

Now to switch topic. I watched a lot of HK dramas this month and I really enjoy 'rippling blossom' (the sub theme is posted above) haha part of the reason is because I love sushi and the drama is about sushi chefs and sushi making :D HK production is always so innovative. Anyway, I really envy the characters in the show, how they can just pack up and go to Japan as and when they like. I have always yearned for such freedom. But now that I have somehow signed the next ten years of my life away I can't really do much but daydream. And perhaps make the best out of what I have.

I keep feeling apprehensive. Always worrying that I can't be a good doctor. But there is a will there is a way. :) I shall work hard and patch up my flaws and jiayou. I keep writing that I should do this and do that but it seems like I am not trying hard enough. I still have so many flaws. Oh wells I am still a work in progress. So at least one lesson for the day: treat people with sincerity and love the people who mean the most to me.

singing to the wind[10:50 pm]

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Sunday, August 05, 2012

Do you ever feel lonely in the middle of the night, hoping to have someone who will entertain your nonsense? I don't know maybe true friendship is really hard to find amid the fast-paced competitive times. Maybe it is my problem. Maybe I am not sincere enough to have people to treat me like a true friend. Best friend? Soul mate? Acquaintance? Sometimes the more you know a person, the more you realise you don't know them.

Sometimes I think I am a little bit autistic. I shy away from eye contact, and I realise that's the main problem why I can't make friends so easily. Somehow I feel that people around shunt away from me, like they feel awkward around me. It's not their problem, it's mine I know.

I really I hope I can eventually blend into my new class. They are really great people, with impressive background and talents. So much so that I feel inferior. But I shall be positive and not compare. I will hopefully shine in my own light. :) I really should learn how to make friends and build up some confidence. If not, I will really be alone forever. I can't rely on the friends I have made in the past before they too will make new friends and I can't hold on to them for company or support whatsoever. I will learn to be more sincere, more caring and a better friend and listener.

singing to the wind[11:57 am]

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